Mean Girls and Chocolate Pudding

I am not sure why I remember so clearly the details of my earliest years, however they continue to teach me lessons.

It was my first day of Kindergarten at the YMCA. I was a nervous wreak, my older brother hounded me, he told me that if I couldn’t spell lamp I would fail kindergarten, I was terrified, I had no idea how to spell lamp. I was 5.

I didn’t understand why I had to go to kindergarten anyway, I loved being home with my mom and my two little sisters , arts & crafts, day trips, mom’s cooking and all my toys and books.

Nonetheless my mom said I had to go.

I remember that particular morning, my first day of kindergarten, I had a huge naught in my tummy walking into the YMCA, I put on my brave face and walked into the class room attached to the back of my mom’s leg.

When I first arrived my teacher , Mrs. Henagar put us into groups of four, this would be my group for the first part of the year.

I was sat next to 3 girls, Jennifer, she had long beautiful silky hair, hair I dreamed of having.
Jennifer was playing with one of the other girls sat at our table, Kim, I could tell they were very good friends. Lastly, their was Hawley, she was a little awkward looking but nice enough.

After we were settled in our tables I looked across the room to make sure my mom was still there, thank goddness she was. I wished she could be with me everyday but I knew their would come a time when she couldn’t and it turned out to be the very next day.

I remember feeling hurt for sometime that Jennifer and Kim never asked me to play with them. So finally one day on our lunch break I mustered up the courage and asked them if I could play dolls with them, they laughed at me and said “No! You look like a boy, only girls played with dolls”

I was totally shocked, I had never experienced this before, I wanted ball my eyes out, put them in a choke hold, pull out their hair and run away all at the same time.

I was so mad at my mom for keeping my hair so short. I didn’t know how to respond them or who to talk to I was beyond hurt and confused. Why were they being so mean? I am so nice. Was this how life goes? Do I just eat the hurt and not tell anyone, keep the peace and pretend I’m ok or do I stand up to them, would I get in trouble, would they tell Mrs. Henagar, would that make it worse? I was determined to figure out a way to make it better, a way to make this horrible feeling in my stomach go away.

Then it hit me, I knew Jennifer and Kim loved chocolate pudding, that was it, that was my ticket. I would take Jennifer and Kim a chocolate pudding and they would see I was a really nice person and viola, they would like me, right?

I had my work cut out for me, first I had to convince my mom to buy the chocolate pudding and I couldn’t tell her why, luckily she went for it.

So I walked in to kindergarten the next day armed with my chocolate puddings, a little nervous but relived that I had a solution. The recess bell chimed for our morning snack break and I ran to my school bag to pull my FIX IT, my chocolate puddings. I walked over to Kim and Jennifer and offered them a pudding they happily excepted, they took it! This wave of peace and happiness filled me up. I was completely relieved.

So the next day I walked into our classroom and sat at our table, and nothing, zero, they still ignored me, I could see them whispering and I knew they were talking about me. I couldn’t wrap my head around this, Why were they being so mean and why did I care so much?

The ironic part of this story is that I wanted what Kim and Jennifer had, a best friend, and I was consumed by proving to them that I was worthy of being their friend, even though at that point I knew they weren't very nice girls. Funny enough, not once did I consider Hawley the other girl at our table of four. I judged Hawley just as Jennifer and Kim judged me. Even though I wasn’t mean to Hawley’s face, I am guilty of making up a story about her not being “enough” to be my friend.

I have no idea why Jennifer and Kim didn’t like me and it really doesn’t matter what matters is my focus. I have spent way too much time handing out chocolate pudding throughout my life, trying to prove my worth and that I’m enough to the wrong people.

Part of my 2010 goals is my commitment to re-discover good girl friends, friends I can share and dream with on a really authentic level.

No More Chocolate Pudding…..